A Halloween Homage

When Rowen opens the door, he's wearing a hockey mask and holding a chainsaw that has distinct blood spatter on it.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!"  Is my scream before I pass out and wake up on the couch.

Now here I sit, sipping a cup of tea, and staring at Rowen.  He's taken off the hockey mask, but is wearing a thick, black, rubber apron, heavy gloves and rubber boots of the same material, and generally looks very industrial serial killer - if you include the discarded hockey mask and chainsaw.

"That's - uh - a new look...for you..."  I sip the tea.

"Well yeah...I guess."  He kind of looks himself over.  "It's been a...weird...couple-a months."

I nod.  "Oh, tell me about it, but first - how was New Orleans?"  I set the cup down, and lean in eagerly.

"Uhh, well...about that."  Rowen's being a bit more stand-off-ish than usual.

"Yes?"  I urge him.

"It was okay."  Rowen leans away with this 'don't ask' kind of smile.

"Yes?"  I urge him.

"I had catfish."  Rowen chuckles, more nervous now.

"Yes?"  I'm trying not to clench my teeth, but it's not working.

"And crawfish."  Rowen shrugs.

"And?"  I ball my hands on my hips.

"And drank far too much bourbon, passed out, and his boyfriend went out alone."  Cye says from behind me, his tone of voice sarcastic and snappish.  "Then, he meets a tall dark, and lovely stranger, and while your boyfriend is bloody mad at you, decides to follow this lovely stranger down a dark alley, where your boyfriend realizes this isn't just ANY lovely stranger -IT'S A BLOODY VAMPIRE!"  Cye slams his hands down on the back of the couch then turns to me with a smile.  "Hello Emma, lovey, I missed you."  Having finished his spiel, Cye sits on the couch next to me, and gives me a fond hug.

"How the hell was I supposed to know there are real fuckin' vampires in fuckin' New Orleans?!"  Rowen shouts.

"Hey now, not Cye's fault he got turned into a vampire."  I have no problem defending Rowen's upset boyfriend.

"Thank you, lovey.  See?  Emma gives a shit."  Cye wraps an around me.

"He's gonna bite ya."  Rowen smirks, and leans back on the chair rather comfortably.

I stick my tongue out at Rowen.

"Shut it."  Cye grumps at Rowen.  "Give us a kiss, lovey." Cye turns his cheek to me.

I peck Cye's cheek.

"More tea?"  Cye lifts my cup and stands up.

"No bite."  I stick my nose in the air at Rowen.

"But-!"  Rowen protests.  "You said-!" He points at Cye as he passes by with fresh tea for me.

"Oh, hush, I'm a gay vampire."  Cye sits back on the couch with me, and leans his head on my shoulder.  "I wouldn't bite poor defenseless wee Emma."

Rowen grumbles and folds his arms.

"Ooh!  Does that make you're - in the coffin?"  Bad joke, but come on...

Cye laughs.

"But seriously, folks, does that mean Rowen and everyone else are vampires, too?"  I grin.  "Can I be your fag-hag human den mother?"

"Oh, yes, absolutely!"  Cye beams.  "But..."  His face drops.  "About that other vampire stuff."

I look at Rowen.  "Are you?"

Cye turns a frown on Rowen.  "You didn't tell her yet?"

Rowen chokes.  "Whattya mean I didn't tell her yet?  She just got here, and then you sat your fat, vampire butt down, and started flapping your lip - why didn't you tell her?"

"I am NOT FAT!"  Cye's voice cracks.

"Keep it down.  Okay, I'm sorry."  Rowen is suddenly whispering.

"Alright."  Cye whispers back, but harsh.  "But you still called me fat."

"Sorry,  I didn't mean it."  Rowen hisses.

I arch an eyebrow.  "Did I miss something?"  I don't think I'm being particularly loud, but they both shush me.

A thud from upstairs makes them both jump. I'm sort of bothered, but don't show it.

"And that would be...?"  I ask.

"The reason we're whispering."  They both say at normal volume.

Down the stairs, he stomps.  "Booooze!"

"Is that...Kento?"  I squint.

"BOOOOZE!"

"I'm afraid so, lovey."  Cye sighs rather uncomfortably.

Rowen jumps up.  "No, Kento!  Back off!"

"BOOOOZE!"

"Is he saying 'booze' or 'boobs'?  I can't really tell."  I frown. 

"Either way, he has Keith Richard's brain."  Cye leans on the back of the couch.

I give Cye a look.  "But Keith Richards is still alive."

Cye's eyes pop wider. "Rowen!  You said that was Keith Richards's brain!"  He points at his boyfriend.

Rowen is struggling, and failing, against Kento.  His feet are sliding along the floor despite his heavy rubber boots.  "That's what it fucking said. It's not my fault if it was some med student's idea of a fucking joke!"

Cye continues gesturing.  "So what the hell-!  Oh, bugger it!"  He stands up angrily.  "I'm making more tea, do you want another?!"  Cye snaps at me.

I nod.

"One lump or two?!"  Cye shouts.

I tap my chin with one finger, managing to stay quite calm despite Rowen struggling with a Frankenstein's Monster type, and Cye's fangs flashing at me as he shouts.

"Fine! One then!"  Cye storms into the kitchen.

"No Kento!  Bad...Kento!"  Rowen's back is pressed up against the back of the couch, and something pops - couch or Rowen, it's hard to tell.

"BOOOOOZE!"  Kento-stein reaches his arms out around Rowen, toward me.

"Don't let him grab ya!  Woah!"  Rowen falls backward over the couch, half rolling until he lands on the couch cushions.

Kento-stein grabs hold of Rowen's legs, trapping him where he sits.

"Kento!"  I hold up one finger sternly, my other hand balled on my hip.

Kento-stein stops.  "Booze?"

"Leave.  Rowen.  Alone."  I shake my finger at him with each word.

Kento-stein sulks.  "Booze..."

"Now."  I point at him.

Kento-stein moves back and stands with a dejected-ish look on his face.

Freed, Rowen scurries off the couch, his rubber apron awkwardly in his way as he gets to his feet next to me.  He looks Kento-stein over then in one word, compliments my ability to calm the confused creation, and expresses his disdain at being almost crushed.  "Fuck."

"Something like that."  I prop my hands on my hips rather proudly.

"Good on ya."  Cye says as he walks into the room with a tea service.

"Thank you, thank you."  I curtsy.  "Ooh, tea."  I sit down to help myself.

"What about him?"  Rowen sidles away from Kento.

I turn, sitting back on the couch.  "Kento.  Sit."  I point at the floor next to the couch.

Kento-stein stomps over on untrained legs and falls onto his butt, causing the nearest objects to shake.

"Good."  I nod.

Kento reaches for me.

"Ah-ah!"  I slap his hand.  "No touching.  Stay."

"Boooo."  Kento sulks.

"I like 'em big and stupid, Kento, but you're reeeally pushing it."  I say as I stir my tea.

Dare I say...Kento-stein has a very un-Kento-stein smirk on his face, and a glint in his eye.

"So, tell me everything.  Cye is a vampire, and then what?"  I tap my spoon on the edge of my tea cup and then set the spoon down.

"We came home."  Rowen groans.

Cye picks up the story.  "Everything was fine-ish, we were working out the-uh...kinks...in our relationship, and doing fine." Cye says.

"Until Cye killed Mia."  Rowen grumps.

I shrug.  "She's a nagging bitch."

Rowen gawks.

"Thank you!"  Cye exclaims with a hand gesturing to me.

"So, where's the body?"  I ask.  "She's not decomposing in here, is she?"  I look around.

Kento-stein moans in fear, and looks the same as I am.

"No, no."  Cye flaps a hand dismissively.

I sigh.  "Whew."

Kento-stein moans in relief.

"We fed her to White Blaze."  Cye says then quickly sips his tea.

I grimace.  "You're...serious?"

"Oh yes.  Zombie tiger was most grateful."  Cye nods nervously.

"Zombie...tiger...?"  My hand shakes until I stop it.

"We buried him in a cursed cemetery."  Cye gulps down his tea then makes a disgusted face.  "Ugh, tea just isn't the same since I got fangs."

Rowen just watches Cye, smiling.

"Whyyy?"  I hiss at them both.  "What happened to White Blaze?"

"Boooo!"  Kento-stein disapproves.

"Oh shush, if you hadn't squashed the poor thing, we wouldn't have had to bury him."  Cye says, pointing to Kento-stein.

I slowly turn my gaze on Kento-stein.

Kento-stein ducks his stitched head.

"Kento crushed White Blaze?  Or Kento-stein?"  I ask.

Cye sips his tea.  "Does it matter?"

I groan.  "Of course it does, but," I shake my head to clear it.  "Mia was the last, wasn't she?"

"HA!"  Rowen barks with laughter.  "NOPE!"

Cye turns a disapproving glare on his lover.  "Nor was she the first."

"That's right.  Cye was."  I nod.

Cye kisses the air at me.

"But now I wonder - what happened to Sage?"  I wince.  "Please tell me he's just hiding in his room."

Rowen snorts.

"Shush, you!"  Cye slaps Rowen's thigh.

"I need to use the bathroom."  I get up before they can tell me anything else.  And up the stairs I go, toward the main bathroom.

"oh, do not go in the main bathroom.  Blood everywhere."  A disembodied voice warns.

I nod.  "Thanks, I'll use the guest toilet down the hall."

"Yeah, no, I wouldn't."

I turn.  "Who said that?"

"Here."

I turn again.

There, floating in the hall, laying on his ghostly stomach in mid air, is Ryo.  No, not Ryo; Ryo-the ghost.

"Oh."  I squeak then realize.  "Ohh."  I gasp.  "Ryo?"

Ryo waves.

"Oh no."  I shake my head.  "Dead?"

Ryo-the-ghost nods.

"Dead dead?"  I gasp.

Ryo-the-ghost nods again.

I shake my head slowly.  "Ohhh, Ryo.  I am so so sorry."

"Eh, it's cool.  But, White Blaze ate me - that was weird."  Ryo-the-ghost quirks his face.

I nod.  "And...how did that happen?"

"Sage made me a zombie, so Rowen threw me to White Blaze."  Ryo-the-ghost says.

I frown.  "Wait, Sage did what?"

"Yeah." Ryo-the ghost nods.

"Oh bugger, you've met.  Well, I suppose it's inevitable."  Cye shrugs.

"Where did you-? Oh, right, vampire."  I slump.

Ryo-the-ghost nods.

Cye shrugs.  "That's about the gist of it.  Listen, love, without going into too much detail, there's something very important Rowen should've told you."

"Pass the buck.  Nice."  Ryo-the-ghost laughs.

"Oh shush, you.  Now, listen, I don't know how to tell you this, but -" Cye tries to explain.

"Braaaiiins!!"  A hand reaches out and grabs my shoulder.

"Sage is a zombie!"  Cye panics, and grabs my arms, trying to pull me away from the new offender.

"EEEK!  GET HIM OFF!  GET HIM OFF!"  I bat away the hand, and jump behind Cye.  "Zombie! ZOMBIEEEE!"  I point at Sage.

"Braaiiins!!"  Zombie-Sage growls.

"Oh my god, you guys!  What the fuck?  Why is Sage a fucking zombie?!"  I gesture wildly to the zombie blonde.

"We buried him in the pet cemetery."  Cye shrugs.

"What?!  Why?  What is with the pet cemetery?"  I shout, and shake my head around.

"Duh."  Ryo-the-ghost scoffs.  "Pet cemetaries are haunted, and anything buried there comes back from the dead, as a zombie."

I groan, more just annoyed now than scared.  "For the love of-...!"  I shriek.  "It doesn't matter.  Move!  I still need to use the bathroom."  I shove past Sage, and I swear he said 'ow'.  No matter, I make my way to the bathroom, and when I come out, Ryo-the-ghost is still floating in the hallway.

"Where's the zombie?"  I look around.

"Followed Cye downstairs, with the rest of the kooks."  Ryo-the-ghost floats away toward the window.

"what, you too good for the kooks?"  I fold my arms, and watch Ryo float a little circle around the hall.

"hey, when those guys thought White Blaze was coming back for its master, they threw me to the zombie-tiger.  I was still technically human when they did that, and screw them for making me tiger-chow."  Ryo-the-ghost rolls his ghostly eyes.

I shrug.  We both head downstairs.

"BOOOOZE!"  Kento-stein is shaking zombie-sage by the neck.

Five minutes - no - an hour ago, this would be strange.  Now, I just kind of don't give a shit anymore.  I shake my head.  "Whatever."

"No Kento!  Down!  Heel!"  Rowen is pulling on Kento's arm to no avail.

"Oy!  Do something!"  Cye shouts at me.

I sigh, but then gather my wits.  "KENTO!"

Kento-stein stops shaking Sage, and looks at me.

"Stop shaking zombie-sage."  I hold up a finger at him.

Kento-stein looks at zombie-sage then slowly back at me.

"Now."  I point at Kento-stein.

Kento-stein shoves Sage away so hard, he flies into the opposite wall.  "BOOOO!"

I shake my head.  "Fruit cakes."

Something bashes the door so hard, it shakes the walls of the house.

"Oh, bloody perfect!  Now the cat is hungry!"  Cye shouts.

Rowen, Ryo-the-ghost, and Cye look at me.

"Oh, screw all of you!"  I fold my arms.  "If he's so hungry, why don't you go find some food for him?  what does he eat?"

"People."  Rowen, Cye, and Ryo-the-ghost all say at once.

I sulk.  "Wonderful."  I push up my sleeves.  "Alright, you guys come up with an alibi, and I'll figure out some way to get White Blaze fed."

Rowen puts on his mask.  "I got a chainsaw, and your back."

"Aww."  I coo.  "Row, you're so sweet."

"Hey, wait a sec!"  Ryo-the-ghost interrupts.

Cye, Rowen, and I all look at Ryo-the-ghost.

Ryo-the-ghost points at Cye.  "Why isn't he trying to, y'know, vampire bite you?"

"I'm a gay vampire."  Cye grumps, and folds his arms.  "But you would make a smashing blood-sucker."  Cye winks at me.

I grin.  "Oh stop."

Ryo-the-ghost grumbles.  "But what about the zombie?"  He gestures to the zombie shuffling toward me.

I shrug.  "Duh, Ryo, he's a gay zombie."

Ryo-the-ghost snorts.  "That's stupid."

"So is a haunted pet cemetery, and Kento-stein, and Cye vampire, and Rowen's impersonation of Jason Vorhees." I gesture around.

Ryo-the-ghost starts to protest, but then just shrugs and nods.

"If you're gonna be man-bait, you should probably wear something a little less lazy-college-student, and little more come-hither-seductress." Cye suggests.

"Are you insulting my Wonder Woman sweatpants?"  I glare at Cye.

Cye nods.  "I'm insulting your Wonder Woman sweatpants."

I fold my arms.  "Well I don't have any other clothes."

"Be right back." Ryo-the-ghost flies through the ceiling, and then comes back a few seconds later from the hallway, with a slinky black dress.  "Mia's Mortia Addams cosplay dress."

"oh, bloody brilliant, Ryo!"  Cye grins.

"yaaaay!"  I grab the dress, and head upstairs to change.

------

"where are we, man?"  One hiker nudges his friend.

"I dunno, but there's a house.  Come on, before that tiger comes back!"  The seconds hiker grabs his friend's arm and runs for the big house near the lake.  "HELP!"  He pounds a fist on the door.  "HELP US, OPEN THE DOOR!"

"Oh, you poor things!"  A beautiful girl with curly red hair, and wearing a slinky black dress opens the door.  "Come inside, quickly!"

"There's a monster in those woods!  Call the fucking cops, or the army!  It ate our friend!"  

"Oh dear, do you wanna call someone to come get you?"  The girl asks.

"It's just us, we lost our way from our car!"  

She smiles wickedly.


HAPPY HALLOWEEN